On Not Giving A Damn
by LongLiveTheMemories
Summary: "She wished she could freeze it there. Stop. Rewind." Short drabbles about different points in Johanna Mason's life. Because despite her best wishes, she still cared. Some. Maybe.
1. Six: Brothers and Friends

**A/N This will be the story of Johanna Mason's life, from childhood to... up to Catching Fire, I think. There will be Johanna/OC, Katpee, a hint of one-sided Johanna/Finnick. Warnings include mentions of death, maiming, suicide, prostitution, underage- you know what? Is it something that there should be a warning for? There will probably be a mention. I do not intend to get graphic with anything. You've read the books (I hope so, or this may be jibberish). You know what goes on in the capitol and the games.**

_This is the story of a girl who lost everything._

_This is the story of a girl who lived only out of spite._

_This is the story of a girl who couldn't let herself care._

_This is the story of a girl who found she just wasn't strong enough.  
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She is 6 years old, in the forests of home.

"Come on Nash!" She calls the boy below her, swinging higher into the tree. They're in a little part of Seven known as just "The Glen". It's well-lit and sparse, perfect to let children explore without hurting themselves. As long as they stayed away from the fence that marked the end of the district.

"It's not fair." He complains from several feet down. "Your lighter, the branches are starting to crack under me."

"Fat!" She teases. She's smiling at him. "Come on!" Impatient as ever.

"We have to be at the square by two." Nash reminds her, stopping his assent.

She rolls her eyes and hangs upside-down in the tree, the bark scrapping the backs of her calves. Enough sunlight has filtered down through the branches to make the bark hot, but she doesn't care. The blood is rushing to her head along with the rush of the precarious point, and she loves it. "Tell me why again Nash."

"You've heard it a hundred times." He sighs, cautiously making up the rest of the way to where she hangs. It's enough of an opening to make her push the issue.

"But that's what brothers are for." Johanna complains, making over animated facial expressions. "They tell you stuff."

He smiles, like she knew he would. "Owen has to take out Tesserae." He explains patiently as she watches him. Even though he's only 10, he seems so much _older_ then her. Months seen like years to her right now. They still do. "'cause he turned twelve."

"Why'd he have to wait till he was twelve?" She asks curiously, maybe just to hear him keep talking. Owen is their older brother. She's glad he isn't with them now. Owen was just a pain.

"I dunno." Nash stuck his hands in his pockets. "The rules. Twelve is old enough. And if they draw your name, you go to the capitol. And you stay there forever." That was how their parents had explained it to them, when an older sister of their friend had gone into the games. "You compete in the games." And they both shivered on cue at the overly-ominous words.

"'cept for Blight." Johanna sticks her tongue out at the name. "But he's always nasty." There was something wrong with Blight, the younger of Seven's two victors. No one saw the older man much, but Blight made it into town often. He'd upended a fruit stand once, right in front of her. The mess had splattered _all over_ her new clothes. Stupid dirty man.

"Johanna! Nash!" She hears a voice calling.

"Coming Rowan!" Nash yells, and they start to lower themselves though the branches.

"We gotta go if we want to get there on time." Rowan explains, brushing the dark hair away from his face.

"I'm coming." Nash rolled his eyes. Both boys were the same age, but Nash was much fairer. He also tended to stay cleaner. Rowan's hair was always full of leaves and twigs, and his pants were usually torn. But they were always together, and they sometimes included Johanna.

"Imagine going to the capitol." Nash sighed. "All the cakes you want."

"But the games." Rowan protested, frowning.

"But cakes!" Nash parodied his friend's tone.

"I don't want to go to the capitol." Johanna shakes her head with a seven year old's steady conviction.

"Why not?" Nash leans around Rowan to look at her.

"Because everyone else is here." She says, folding her arms stubbornly.

Rowan and Nash make a face at the idea, and at the last second Johanna copied them. She's watching Rowan carefully, mimicking the things he does. But as they head out towards the square, she turns her attention back to Nash.

"Nash?"

"Yes Johanna?"

"Tell my why again."

**A/N A short chapter to get things started. Before we start the decent into who she becomes.**


	2. Fifteen:  Rowan

She's 15, and the sunlight wakes her up after her very first party.

When she opens her eyes, Johanna's first thought is _What happened?_ It feels like someone's been using the back of her head for target practice, and the world is shifting in front of her. But there's a hazy smile on her face, and a vague idea that she d fallen asleep happy that doesn't compute with the pain in her head.

Someone stirs beside her, and her second thought is _Oh._

Her third: _Is that even legal?_ Probably not, even the capitol has its standards. She checks, to confirm what she already knows. It's Rowan, asleep, his dark hair tangled and the blanket askew. He's beautiful asleep.

No, no, this isn't right. They were drunk last night, way too drunk, and Nash is going to kill her. And what happens when he wakes up? She ll lose her best friend. And maybe it will be worth it, to have that one night, but the thought of loosing him hurts more then the aftereffects of all the alcohol.

Apparently it took only a few drinks before she got crazy enough to make her desires known. Great. Maybe if she leaves now she can pretend it never happened.

But his eyelids flutter open. Brown eyes framed by the darkest lashes. "Johanna?" He murmurs, confused.

"Um, hi." She tries to smile, but she can feel the distance setting in already. Without a conscious command from her brain, one hand reaches out to stroke down his face. Anything to bring back the feeling. His warm hand covers hers quickly, and he sits up with a rather creative string of curses.

Her laughter's nervous. "Um, yah."

He gives her a look, but it breaks when he swears again. "What _happened_, Johanna?"

"Don't." She reaches out, hurt.

He pulls away. "You're _fifteen_. This shouldn't have happened." Her hand snaps back at the look on his face. Something dangerous flashed there. She'd seen it before, though the years, though never directed at her. It was like a bright sign screaming _danger_.

_He thinks I'll tell Nash_. Best-friends-since-they-were-three or not, Nash wouldn't have a problem hunting Rowan down for corrupting his little sister. Owen would even help him. She moves closer, not caring that he moved away a second ago, or that approaching Rowan when he was in a mood was never a good idea. "Sh. Why not?" She won't tell Nash. She won't tell a soul.

"Moral decency." He sighs, but it comes out almost sullen.

She shifts so she s looking him in the eye, and it s all she can do not to lean over and kiss him. "It's not like that." She protests his argument. "And no one has to know."

Rowan sighs. "J, it can't be like that. I'm involved with stuff."

"Stuff like a girl?" Johanna asks sharply. She shouldn't have said it, of course it shouldn't matter to her. But it does. It hurts.

"No!" He looks around quickly, and leans closer.

"Then what?" She hates how she sounds right now. Angry and jealous and hurt. It s a sharp contrast to everything she fell asleep to, and it makes her feel weak. Just a stupid little girl, who's been following him around since they were kids.

She watches Rowan think about it, studying her face before leaning in. Not a kiss, a whisper. His voice is just a breath. "Rebellion."

She shivers. "How?" There's just a little too much awe in her voice.

"I can't tell you." The moment s broken as he leans back. "But it can mean bad things."

Johanna hates how patronizing he s being. It s been like that all the time now. Him and Nash both, acting like they were suddenly so much older then her because they had turned 19 and were safe from the reaping. Like they were safe, untouchable. "I don't care. I don't care about anything. We can..." Her voice trails off. Dare she suggest it? "We can just not tell anyone." She takes his hand in hers, fingers caressing the rough places as she waits for an answer. It doesn't come.

"Rowan?" She looks up finally.

"Johanna." It's a sigh of resignation as he kisses her again. "We have to be careful."

"We will." She promises impulsively. "And next year I'm 16." The age of consent in Panem.

"But still not safe from your brother's wrath." He laughs, and it s such a beautiful thing.

"We could take him." One of her hands slides into his hair, and she's laughing too.

"Both of them?" He makes a face. "I don t think so."

"Then secrecy's probably best." She laughs, her other hand tapping him on the nose.

That would be very wise. He nods, accepting her kiss.

She sees him infrequently. Whenever she can make enough excuses, she slips out to meet him after his work. She s shy and nervous at first, blushing like nothing had ever happened between them. He gets in the habit of getting them each a drink, mostly to relax her, because it worked well enough at the party, didn't it? She takes it without complaint, because otherwise she'd never feel free enough to do anything at all with him. She never tells him that sometimes, afterwards, things are a little fuzzy. Sometimes she can t quite remember what she'd done or said, and it bothers her not to know. But she knows he keeps her safe. She wakes up in his arms sometimes, and they watch the sun rise.

After a while, she doesn't need _anything_ to make her confident. It s like she s two people; Rowan's Johanna and everyone else's Johanna. And that was fine, except sometimes it feels like she was pretending for both of them.

**A/N: So the beginning of self-destructive behaviors are here. See if you can spot them all! /bad impersonation. Rowan will end up being so damaging. After parents and school, nothing can screw you up more then your first love. Reveiws are loved.**

**Next up, the games begin.  
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